Today is my birthday.
I’m doing much better..
I’m dissociating and always under heavy emotional stress. I live with someone who does all the wrong things and keeps me feeling unsafe thus I dissociate more easily and more often. I often think and do the wrong things because nothing is clear to me, making my partner angry at me and treating me as though I was a “normal person”. I am expected to react like a mentally healthy person constantly and it’s very draining. I have nobody else and depend on him for a great variety of things. I explain what he should and shouldn’t do whenever he gets annoyed or angry at me. He seems to understand but every time I need him to use the information I give him, it’s as though he disregards all of it. I feel like nothing I say matters unless it immediately solves the problem at hand. I am desperate and trying very hard to get better but it’s proving to be extremely difficult given the circumstances.
in another house
I might be
in the early stages
of a chemical imbalance
my father suffered from.
Nobody told me
my father was a living mistake.
I have most
if not every single one
of his traits.
I make his mistakes
the correct way.
Nobody told me
I was doomed from the start.
Nobody took care of me.
My mother saw him in me,
she feared me.
And now I live away from her, in another house, stuck, every day.
Like always. With another person
who isn’t capable of fixing a single fucking thing.
Yesterday a little boy reminded me
how important it is to me to be a fighter.
I’m very angry
because I want to have friends.
Friends who are interested in things I’m interested in.
Friends who understand when I get a raging boner from seeing someone
I just want a friend, and my partner will never be my friend.
I almost hate him.